I wanted to write this post because I know some of
you are in the trenches, and sometimes it helps to read other people’s experiences
and also to know what to expect. There’s so much I didn’t know about miscarriage
and loss before experiencing it, so I wanted to write out the things that stuck
with me most in hopes that this knowledge can be power for you. Also, please
note: every experience is completely different. This is just how mine looked,
and what caught me most off guard as I navigated these turbulent months.
1. That you don’t have to bleed much,
or at all, to lose a baby. I never bled a lot, and I never had any cramping or
pain, which isn’t how miscarriage stereotypically looks. I was 6 weeks pregnant
when I started bleeding enough to wipe onto toilet paper. I called my OB who
ordered a stat ultrasound. When I went in later that day, the scan showed a
baby that had stopped growing at 5 weeks with no cardiac activity. My
experience was CLOSE to a “missed miscarriage”, or when your body gives you no
indication that anything is wrong. I did have some spotting, but others don’t experience
anything at all until they go to a regularly scheduled ultrasound to find out that
their baby didn’t make it. Something that hadn’t even crossed my mind in prior
pregnancies.
2. How long and mentally exhausting
the process can be. After my initial ultrasound, the doctor tried to be
reassuring. “It may just be too early”, she said, but I knew. She told me to
come back in 2 weeks to confirm. I had to return another 2 weeks later to stare
at that same blank ultrasound screen. I still hadn’t passed the baby on my own. My OB told me to give
it another 2 weeks before electing a D&C, which meant a 3rd ultrasound,
that same silent screen. This put me 6 weeks out from the day I started spotting. I
carried a baby for over a month that I knew was not viable, but still just wouldn’t
let go. I finally got scheduled for a D&C to be able to move on. As I was
prepped in for the OR, the physician went through possible complications, and
ended on a nonchalant sentence to make sure we didn’t try to conceive for 3
months, if we decided to try again. This put the whole process at just over 4 ½
months.
3. Your pregnancy symptoms continue post
miscarriage. Same sore boobs, same bloated belly, same nausea, same fatigue. On top of that, the bleeding didn’t stop for nearly 2 weeks post D&C, and
what’s worse, I still got glaringly positive pregnancy tests for over a month. My
body couldn’t catch up to what was happening and was SURE I was still pregnant,
that this was a fluke. My hormones were all over the place, up and down a
million times a day.
4. Life doesn’t stop. Which is
totally obvious, but so difficult in the moment. Miscarriage is changing your
blood soaked pads (there’s no hiding what’s happening: tampons are a no as you
navigate this process, by the way) while your 2 and 4 years olds barge into the
bathroom, asking you to please come play LEGOs already. It’s such a strange space
to be in, and I often times felt like I was watching a loss happen to somebody
else.
5. Several months
after my D&C, I experienced a chemical pregnancy, or a loss that occurs shortly after implantation. Two losses in a row aren’t statistically
supposed to happen, and I took this part hard. I had very little empathy from
my OB, who told me that they would have to wait until a third loss to move
forward with any kind of testing (which I fully realize is the medically
correct decision to make). It felt like an extremely frustrating, slow moving, eternity—like
I was just waiting to lose another baby to potentially get some answers on what was
happening to me. Even if that day came, my OB warned, we didn't always get answers when we wanted them. From somebody who wanted to control the process, this was difficult to hear all around.
6. I’ve found that the feelings came
much later for me. Months down the road, especially when there was still no
baby, all of the emotions really settled in. It got harder, not easier, with
time, so give yourself grace. There is no “right” way to grieve
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