July 12th. I took a pregnancy test fully expecting it to be
negative. When that second line didn’t pop up just a few seconds later, just as
I had thought, I was so close to tossing the whole thing in the trash. I went
downstairs to start my morning, but when I returned an hour later, I glanced at
it again. Sure enough, there was a faint line.
Backing up a year, we had thrown the idea of a 3rd
baby around for quite some time, never quite feeling ready, while at the same
time knowing we really would never be. We nervously decided to take the leap of
faith last fall. We found out we were pregnant in January, only to miscarry at
the 6 week mark. The whole experience humbled me to my core, coming from a
world where I got pregnant twice as soon as we wanted to (or even earlier than
we wanted to—sorry August), with uneventful pregnancies, smooth deliveries, and
beautiful babies. After we had collected ourselves, I then went on to miscarry
again in May. I was the statistical “impossibility”, or really, the extremely
high improbability. There’s so much more I want to share about these long,
trying months, but I’ll save this for another post. Just know that the road
wasn’t easy, but we’ve somehow ended up right where we belong. For any of you
that might be reading this who are walking this very same path, my heart is
with you. I know the pain that comes from other’s pregnancy announcements, and
the jumbled emotions of happiness for somebody else and sadness for yourself. I
wish I could bring together every waiting mama with the baby that is meant to
be theirs, and if I could, I would do anything to do just that. But, all I can
offer are words. I know how you feel, I’m sending you all my love, and I pray
one day soon your storm, too, will end.
Back to that July morning. I spent the rest of the day carrying
that dang test around, wondering if it really could be. I told Matt, of course,
but we were both so cautiously optimistic, not letting ourselves get ahead of where
we were right that minute. I tested again the following morning, and the one
after that…and for the next 21 days straight. Coupled with this came 3
sequential HcG draws since my OB took pity on me and my anxiety that I just
couldn’t shake. My HcG more than doubled after each draw, an indicator of a
viable pregnancy. The first bit of reassurance I’d have to believe that this
could really be it.
I had my first prenatal appointment in August, followed by a
dating ultrasound and NIPT bloodwork, which tests for chromosomal abnormalities
(and can tell you gender!) right at 10 weeks. We chose to find out whether
we’re having a boy or girl and will share that (always surreal) news another
day. For now, we’re so thankful to report that we have a healthy baby growing
right according to schedule, who is now a full 12+ weeks and the size of a
lime. You better believe I’m soaking in my fruit updates and the magic that each
week holds.
I never went into
August’s pregnancy thinking it was my final time to experience it, so 3.5 years
later, I started to feel panic that I never acknowledged the “lasts”…my last
newborn, last time nursing, last first words, last first holidays. I’m just so
grateful that I’ll now have that chance.
After we knew that all was well, it was time to tell the
boys. I just couldn’t wait for this part because somehow, Oskar’s intuition has
been spot on. He’s told me several times, even before I was pregnant, that our
family would have another baby, and his preference for a brother baby or sister
baby. We’ve been practicing sight words with Oskar for a while now because the
kid just loves to read. I decided we would sit them down and flip through a
special surprise message via flashcards, for Oskar to decipher for them both.
MAMA. IS. HAVING. A. BABY.
Their reaction was solid gold, with Oskar bubbling over from
excitement, his little voice so full of giggles, and August, who was happy
enough, until we told him that the baby was due in March. HIS birth month. Sorry,
kiddo. Your first middle-child blow.
I can’t wait to go on this journey one final—yes, FINAL, for
those of you wondering 😊—time, and to share with you along the way.
This blog has been so cathartic and such a rewarding hobby, with the added
bonus of having these posts to look back on months and years down the road. A
huge THANK YOU for reading along. I
can’t wait to see what this journey—and little baby-- has in store for us. Here we go!
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